You are someone else,I am still right here

subota , 28.08.2010.

Press play.



Kasno je i sama sam.Vani pada kiša.
Sve to uz melankolične note starih pjesama.
Znaš taj mood.
Savršeni msnovski.
Radije ne.
...
Činjenica da mi nedostaješ ne pomaže.
Ali ne ti,već bljeskovi davnih komadića snova koji su toliko stari da se doimaju nestvarnim.
(možda i jesu)
Moja glupa dosada je rezultirala ovim st(r)anjem.
I snovi.
Podsvijest mi želi nešto reći?
Često se sjetim niza brojki:
0,9,8,3,0,4,6,7,5.
Random.

Du är den enda jag nagonsin älskat.

Si čuo da od sad pričam švedski?
Zovi to karmom.

Htjela bih imati 16 opet.Ili ipak 15?
Činilo se puno jednostavnijim,naivnijim.
Ne sviđa mi se kakva sam sada osoba.
Ne sviđa mi se kakva si ti sad osoba.
Kao da je bitno?
Svejedno mi nedostaješ.

What have I become,my sweetest friend?
Everyone I know goes away in the end.
And you could have it all,my empire of dirt.
I will let you down.I will make you hurt.

Koliko god vremena prošlo,svejedno imam još nešto za napisati.
Čak i ako su obična trabunjanja.
Tužno.
I swear I don't care,just..

If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
Just go and leave this all behind
Cause I swear
(I swear)
I don't care
I don't care.


*Wuchya is 16 again*


And through the years
In those moments
When we're far apart
Don't you know I'll close my eyes
And I'll see you with my heart.
-1947.

Bequeathing it's bitter gift,unrequited love branded me.
Homesick.
Ripped up on the right,echoing beat of pain..
Memories resonating.
With thirsty eyes there are no tears to cry.
Sobs reck the body instead.
Remorse or gratitude..?
Minutes seem like hours,hours stretch into days and days are infinite.

I want to go home.




Better never to have met you in my dream,
than to wake and reach for hands that are not there.
~Otomo No Yakamochi

Hurt..
I'm in pain..
So much.
Never gonna allow myself to be weak again.
Just make it stop..

Forever..

srijeda , 17.03.2010.

A packed bus.Filled with conversation, laughter and music.
The bus passes fast past a suburban area never stopping.
Outside late summer stretches to infinity.



Amidst the loud bunch, two figures are unmoving, silently holding each other’s hand.
He is going to the raging war out there, away from their world.
It came suddenly, crashing reality breaking a peaceful dream.
Things like duty, honour, pride and patriotism surfaced leaving her confused and oh so very afraid.
The vehicle jolts to a stop. The bustling ceased and a sombre atmosphere circles its passengers.
Exiting, she tightens her hold on his hand afraid that she would lose him at the spot. The sun blinds them momentarily and a flashback unfolds itself before her eyes involuntarily.



A sunny afternoon envelopes the valley in a warm embrace. Under the lull of the lush trees, two hearts collide and young souls are bound. Holding each other close seemed as natural as breathing. Promises of love sealed with numerous kisses.

He looks down at her and smiles, trying to hide the unease and trepidation he feels, even though he knows it to be impossible. She just rests her head on his shoulder as they continue their walk to the pier.

The first time they danced was on a country fair when everyone else left home. There was no music but the music coming from their hearts. Twirling her around, he couldn’t help but laugh at her expression mirroring his own – pure happiness.

The seagulls called out as they sailed above their heads and the heads of soldiers boarding the ship. He stops and turns to her smiling face and she launches herself into his arms. They stay like that for what seems like forever.
‘I will kill you if you don’t return back to me. Understood?’

His heart clenches as he smiles against her hair.

-‘Yes, ma’am!’

She breathes deeply trying to hold his scent inside of her. They pull away just so they can kiss and the world melts away. The ship horns loudly signalling it’s soon departure. He parts slowly from her and looks at her eyes.

‘Wait for me?’

She nods and caresses softly the side of his face.

-‘Forever.’



He kisses her hands and the top of her head and backs away slowly joining in the few remaining men boarding. Her hearts beats painfully and she fights back the flood of tears rimming the corners of her eyes. After a while, they pull the bridge up and lift the anchor.
A moment later, he stands on deck looking at her. She stands on her toes and waves vigorously. The ship horns again and the engine roars to life. Shouts of ‘I love yous’ saturate the warm air as all the girls left ashore wave to their loved ones.



The ship moves and backs out of the harbour yet all she could see is his face moving farther and farther away until she can’t see him anymore. Her hand falls down to her side and she stands unmoving. The ship is just a black spot on the horizon.
Most of the women already left with broken hearts and only hope for their dearest.
She turns around and starts walking, each step as heavier than the last one. Tears are streaming unbound down her cheeks smearing her red lipstick. She stands on the bus stop clenching the hand he kissed over her heart.
The cloudless blue sky feels like his eyes.
She smiles, wiping her tears and doing the only thing she can – hope.

Bittersweet delirium

subota , 16.01.2010.

It has been two years already,yet it feels like yesterday.

Bittersweet.
The taste of memories consuming me.
Panting.
The heavy atmosphere pressing my coinscience.



Echoes begin to pulsate from deep within.
Fate made a fool out of me once again.Digging up things burried in the dark.

It just had to be today.Of all dates..today!

Taking a turn I find myself at the crossroad of my past.The steps glare at me accusingly.
I can almost smell the spring.And cherry blossoms.



Everything soaked in happiness..

Each breath I take,a small part of that toxic nostalgia-evoking air pollutes my being.
My heart thunders in my ears.

Nii-chan..Smiles,hugs and promises.Back then,it was so very pure.And naive.



I shake my head,trying to dissipate the spidery web cast cruelly upon me.Unsuccessfully.
A pull.Then pain.
Waves of dulled sharpness rake through me.

Goddammit.

Ghosts dance before my eyes and I am powerless in stopping them.Before I know it,
I find myself at the end of that street,in front of the house of my current doom.

Something in me twists and for a second I think I might cry.

Get a hold of yourself,girl!Afraid of the friggin house?Hell no!

With strengthen resolve,I climb the last steps of my way of the cross.
Yet once again,I am overwhelmed with quivering emotions trying to break free of the chains of my subconscience and splashes of past colours and I cannot gulp in fear due to an enormous knot formed in my throat.

Fucking peachy.



But then,instead of a painful and horrorful encounter,a short embrace.And that scent.
The web is lifted and I feel a strange sensation.Casting it aside for later contemplation,I try to handle the unusual situation and its awkwardness,except there is no oddity and malaise.
Suddenly,I detect a pulse,a beat,such weak occurence,but present nevertheless.

What the..?

Realization struck out of nowhere.I can feel him.
His eyes speak volumes to me.Taking notice of his fake relaxed yet reserved posture,I am surprised how ordinary,almost every day like this all is.My lips stretch into a small smile involuntary.
Seems like my theory of cosmic kinship is not silly after all.
I fight the urge to laugh out loud at the strangeness of the normality of this whole setting.

I think I really am insane..

Basking in the afterglow of my mad thoughts completely hidden from my unsuspecting companion,I feel encouraged for more boldness.
And the madness continues...



I feel you,not as strongly as I used to,but I still do.And in this crazed present which I found myself pushed in,a small trace of the comforting past,what I used to be,is a consolation and a reminder of lost happiness.Please allow me that small satisfaction. :)
After all,this blog exists for you and because of you.I will respect that,not changing anything.
It is a sort of a chanel to you.A therapy.

A tebi,slučajni posjetioče,moje najdublje isprike što osim blebetanja jedne poremećene osobe,nisi našao ništa pametnije.
Better luck next time,ne? ;)

...tied to a dream?Only island monotony.

srijeda , 13.08.2008.

Svjetlucava površina mora zasljepljuje me nakratko i cijeli svijet explodira srebrno.
Rumeni oblaci se kidaju na nazubljenim vrhovima,umirući tiho,ponešeni vjetrom.
Zažareno kamenje poklanja mi crvene cjelove na dar.

Boli me.
Šum valova razbija umjetnu atmosferu transparentne sreće koju sam isplela oko sebe.
Gasim mp3.
Prekidanje dotoka agensa kojim tonem u purpurne vode sladunjavih riječi i happily-ever-aftera.
Nešto tinjajuće u dubini mene svaki put toplo zadrhti.

"The stars are blazing like rebel diamonds cut out from the Sun..."

Stvarnost postane oštro opipljiva i hrđavo se zabija u krhko tkivo po tko zna koji put.
Zrak je zatreperio.
Sjedim podno starog crkvenog zdanja iz 11.st.Prkoseći stoljećima buri,kamen je opstao.
Pod luđačkim naletom čiste esencijalne ljubomore,bijesno ga mrvim pod svojim prstima.
Cvrčci odgovaraju zajedljivo.



Smiraj dana.
Vrijeme kao da je stalo i neprestance se vrtim u krugovima,ponavljajući isto.
Umorila sam se.
Žudim za plavom bojom.I Milka čokoladom.



Samo kamen,prašina i makija te ispaćeni jecaji.
Uspješno uvjeravam skupinu američkih turista da nisam suicidalna.
Ležanje na kamenoj cesti pogoduje kardiovaskularnom sustavu,glupi Yenkiju.
Miris borovine bezuspješno uspavljuje.
Jenjavajuće Sunce oplakuje me utješno.

Zaogrćem se plaštom rezignacije,skrivajući pulsirajuće krvavu nutrinu i nestajem u sjeni uskih kamenih uličica gdje me nitko ne može pronaći.
Kao nada za bolje sutra,melodije slatkog obmanjivanja odzvanjaju za mnom.

"Help me out,I need it!I don´t feel like loving you no more..."




written on August the 3rd.

Dreams should last a long time(shouldn't they?!?) and this is not what I'd call goodbye(it is,it is)...

srijeda , 16.07.2008.

Zakračunat prozor propušta slabu traku svjetlosti u hladnu unutrašnjost prostorije.Jedini dokaz ljudske ruke,napuklo je ogledalo i prašnjava kutija bezvrijednih stvari.
Drhtajući tonovi dopiru iz odavna zaboravljene hrpe.
Požutjela balerina klimavo se okreće uz sjetnu melodiju glazbene kutijice koju ometa jedino neprekinuto kapanje u kutu.





Silueta.
Obličje slično čovjekovom.
Zažarene zjenice neprekidno promatraju zraku Sunca kako usporeno klizi niz napuklo ogledalo.
Pokret u tamnim dubinama zrcala.
Sjena.





Jeka dječjeg smijeha.Zlatni bljesak u kutu smrvljene površine.
Odraz je dobio lice.
Šećerna haljinica ovijena oko malenog tijela.
Plamene oči,napukline na nevinoj masci,razotkrivaju stvarnu narav spodobe.

Hush-a-bye, baby,
in the tree top.
When the wind blows,
the cradle will rock.

Reski zvuk raspara teški zrak kao utrobu.Prestravljeni trzaji živućeg mesa razdvajaju um i tijelo.
Ponavljana nota posrnule melodije odzvanja zaglušujuće.

When the bough breaks,
the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby,
cradle and all.




...savvy,idiot?

...please tell me this is just a bad dream

srijeda , 05.03.2008.

A monster.
I have been breeding a monster within myself.

Screams tore through the fibber of living, echoing throughout the hollow caverns.
Boiling rage consumed the shadow as the liquid pain-like-acid burned the tissue. She howled in agony. So sinister, so possessive, so demanding…razors sank comfortably into my throat.

Jagged strips around the void where the organ was once situated rustled like dead leaves remembering the decaying fingers tearing and clawing at it. Horrible trembling took over.
Bone-chilling cold returned with vigour. The teeth clattered, beads of sweat forming on the brow. Deformed faces grinned crazily out of the multicoloured mist. The forms were dancing around laughing. Purple, yellow, pink, orange swirling in sync over cold cerulean eyes.



Spin me around again and again and again and-

The maggots.
They are eating at my flesh. I wonder how he tasted like?

Choking sob halted somewhere in the middle of the larynx. Eyes glazed over with the memory of something non-existing. The carved paths of dried up tears twitch in anticipation. Nothing arises. Standing over the cold marble I cannot help but wonder. How much time it takes for the flesh to completely moulder?

Munch, munch, munch the meat, rotting at its ends. Tear it up and take a bite and pass it to your friends.

Graveyards.


I always hated the smell of it.

Mommy, why is the bone sticking out?

Wilting flowers crowned her head. Her maiden dress stained with her virginal blood, the tattered pieces barely covering her bruised body. Her skin of the palest white illuminated under the candlelight. Tender caress ghosting over her soft features as if trying to remember them forever. She was his master and he her pet. Voodoo dolls made alive.



If only there was such a thing as eternity.

Lunatic laughter broke free again. Unknown shapes twirling around. Colours blending together, vision coming in and out of focus. In and out, in and out, in and out…
The mongrels are having a party. Guess what? You’re not invited.
Cirque de freaks. The Hell parade.
Mutated bodies, demonic faces, horns, claws, hair, fangs, black, red, brown, orange.
Dancing and dancing around.
I cannot escape.
Flying horizontally towards the bottomless ground.

Only bone and haunting blue.

Melting into the layers of white...undesired..

petak , 15.02.2008.

The gloomy tomorrow has already died.
I hated myself for not being able to forgive the tears, the lies and the love.
But I can't go back.
-Conceived Sorrow

Zatvori oči i otvori dušu.
Prepusti se.
Slušaj.

I will take your hand and place it on my chest.Can you feel it?

ba-dump

ba-dump

ba-dump

It's beating for all that it was and that will never be.
Everything I wished for,wanted,needed.Gone.
Propuštene prilike skladale su melodiju sjećanja.
What a sweet,heartbreaking melody.Strumming the cords of my soul.
Oštar krik stvarnosti remeti sklad.




Just a moment.Please,for a moment longer.
Tek onda ću se vratiti hladnom mramoru istine.
A disobedient child hiding in the shadows.
Pucketanje vatre je zamrlo sa tišinom.

Cold.Such cold winds blow from the north.
Gdje je otišlo ljeto?Ah,da...progutao ga je zaborav.
Silly little girl wanted pink,heart-shapped glasses.No,no.Life won't have it!
Obuci kaput i ne škrgući zubima.Tako sam umorna od hladnoće.



This time,the frost never left.Winter has its eyes set on you.
Jecaj.Drščući vapaj osakaćenog djeteta zatrese mrak.
And then nothing but silence.
Sunce je odavna zašlo.I povelo je svoje demone sa sobom.

"If it brings you what you want,does it make it a demon?"
-"No,honey.Then it's an angel."
"But it ate you away."
-"It's still God's favourite being."



Numb fingers trying to rub some life into the cold flesh.
Snijeg je uvijek tako lijepo svjetlucao.
No room for frozen tears.Remember?The summer's already gone.
Mir.Isprazan,trenutan,šupalj i hladan.
But peace nevertheless.

Cracking swings.Laughter bouncing off.
Warm sunshine upon my face.
Soothing embrace of a demon.
The sound of something right clicking into its place.

One can always hope for a brighter future...ne?





ba-dump..

ba-dump..



...ba-dump.

When angels deserve to die...

petak , 01.02.2008.

I don't think you trust, In, my, self righteous suicide,
I cry, when angels deserve to die.



Liar...
Pathetic,weak,putrid,no-willed human creature...
How easily your resolve is broken...

Your words!

Then get the submission as we're turning to
What I thought I wanted
Then give me protection as we deal with you
So for now I guess I'm through

Nothing is left
Nothing rests
Nothing less

Cold indifference washing over me.
The fall has been stopped at last.
Revenge,she howls from the depths.
Cruelty growling just under the surface.
None she shall obtain.



The wall has been set up again.
The final.